Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

US PGA Commentator
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Man gets hone on Valentines Day to find his wife waiting for him in sexy lingerie.
She says "Tie me up and do whatever you want."
So the man ties her up and goes off for a round of golf.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies, obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

The term 'Mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul-it-again'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are pretty damned expensive!

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex!
#10 A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09 You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08 It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07 Foursomes are encouraged.
#06 You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05 Three times a day is possible.
#04 Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03 If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02 You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
#01 When your equipment gets old you can replace it!